So, as promised, I’ll be doing my weekend post on “whatever”. Instead of just focusing on the weekend though, this post will probably be more of a dear diary kinda thing. The past few weekends I’ve been lucky enough to enjoy a quiet Sunday with my fiance and have therefore had a lot of time to think. There are so many things going on in my head at the moment that I think it might help to get them all out. It does help that I only know of two people that actually read this, so I beg their forgiveness if anything I say is too confronting for them =)
Let’s see, where to begin?
I think I’ll make a list of current issues clouding my sanity and try and make sense of them all, here goes…
- UNI!
I am studying a course I absolutely hate but am faced with the reality that I only have 5 months to go. It would be pointless to drop out now. Unfortunately the decision might be made for me. I’m awaiting results that determine whether or not I’m allowed to return to Uni next semester. Anything less than a 65 on the final, and I’m gone! Needless to say the last week hasn’t been a very peaceful one. I just can’t sit still. I feel like something terrible is going to happen but I can’t do anything about it. What happens when I open the results page and there’s a big fat F staring at me? How do I tell my parents? I used to be little miss perfect, but now I don’t know who I am…
- The Wedding – This requires further dissection:
- The Mum’s – Please leave us alone! We are the one’s getting married and footing the majority of the bill. This is supposed to be a joyous occasion yet you’re making it anything but. So what if the reception venue is smaller than what you’d like? Just cut down your numbers! We’ve already moved venues for you and you’re still not happy, where do we draw the line?
- The bridal party – Don’t even get me started! I’m afraid to post anything on the topic at risk of offending people who really don’t deserve it. Let’s just say that I never considered myself a fussy person, now equal numbers seem to be a big deal to me. How do you choose someone to go when they all seem willing but you can tell none of them really want to. Or do they?
- It’s too far away – Can’t we just get married now? Run away? Never come back? Start life over again? In my dreams right Buni? =p
3. Valentine’s Day
Today was a wonderful day. I have been blessed with the most amazing fiance a girl could ask for. I still can’t believe he’s all mine! If it weren’t for him I wouldn’t be here and I really mean that. He has helped me through so many things and continues to get me through to this day. He inspires me to find out more about myself and to live out my dreams, he loves me no matter what and would do anything for me. What more could I possibly ask for? In him I have everything I could ever dream of having.
I know that because I have him, the things I worry about don’t matter. That doesn’t stop all of these negative thoughts from passing through my head. I want to be perfect for him but he just wants me the way that I am. That’s all I ask of him so why shouldn’t it be the same for me? If only life was as simple as that. It should be. Why does society pose so many rules on us all? Why can’t I just do what I want to do? I’m not sure what that is, but I think if I was given a chance to find it, without having so much pressure put on me to find it sooner I wouldn’t be in such a mess right now. I’m going to keep searching and keep fighting. There are too many people who rely on me, and for reasons that I can’t yet see, people who love me for who I am. I hope that one day I’ll see what they see. That I’ll know what it’s like to have self esteem, and to appreciate myself, look back on my achievements and be proud of myself. I know I am blessed in so many ways, but is that too much more to ask for?
-nome5tar
